Growth, reflection, life

Something in the air - a reflection of 2013

There's something to be said about the feeling of getting up on a Sunday morning and the first thing on your mind is " I need to get a cup of coffee and then start writing once again". What that will actually entail is a different story  but what I know to be true is that I love putting pen to paper ( and I suppose in this case fingers to screen) as a way of self expression.

There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now that I'm not sure of where I should start? What topic should I focus on? I don't want to run the risk of too much all in one go but perhaps I should just lay it all down, lay it all out for surely is that not how the human mind works? Is that not how we live from day to day?

On second thought perhaps it would be good to use this first piece of 2014 to reflect on the year that was 2013. Yes it's cliché but clichés have been around for ages for a reason innit!

So with the sound of Tracy Chapman's Let it rain album here we go...

Like most people I stepped into 2013 full of new hopes, focus on older goals and a sense that this would be another year of change and more growth for me. What I didn't really count on was the type of growth that would come from 2013. Growth which at the end of the day makes me stronger and a  force to be reckoned with. 

With growth one needs to realize and accept that you don't have or can have control of people and their actions and that it's also okay to admit that you were wrong about a choice or decision you made so long as you take the necessary steps to continue on the "right" path. I think one of the greatest lessons I have learnt in 2013 is that you don't have to pay school fees in order to learn the lesson. Not quite sure were I heard that saying but it rings true to my core.  

So what were the greatest lessons learnt

1. Friendship is not always what you think it will be. Although you may have good intentions with a person that you give the title of friend to it does to necessarily mean that they will reciprocate that.  I have learnt that there are basics to any friendship that must be respected in order for it to be maintained and if those rules of engagement are broken then to me that relationship must be dissolved and come to an end.

2.  It is okay for old friendships and friends to get new wings. It's the nature of the beast.  This is something you may not have control over. People change. What you want and are working towards may no longer be the same and at such a time you will drift and its okay. Of course you may long for "that same old feeling" sometimes but that's also okay. This change may sometimes be confusing or hurtful but once you see it for what it actually is, then you come to a calmness within you and your adventure on this journey called life continues.

3.  My soul sisters often know the song in my heart and sing back the words to me when I have forgotten them.  There is something to be said about the friends whom I still have in my life today.  The people who have seen me through my highs and lows and have remained constant witnesses in my life. I often get teary eyed when I think about these women who bring great pride into my life on a daily basis. These people are the ones that see through all the nonsense. I have shared with them my joys, fears and insecurities without fear of judgement and they have done the same. And with nothing ever being actually said or cast in stone we all know that we are within a safe place.

4. Sometimes you need to make a really difficult decision in order to keep on keeping on. Sometimes you need to dig deep within yourself and ask the really difficult questions. And often the answer will not immediately be apparent and more soul searching, introspection and prayer will bring you the answer. Once you have the answer it does not necessarily mean that the hard work is over. It's only the beginning and more work still needs to be done.  It's staying true to myself, my dreams, my goals, my wants (sounds kinda selfish doesn't it) in 2013 I ended up hurting someone whom I had really cared about. My resolve to end it between us was based on the false happiness I had formed in my head.  Us girls often talk about being with a man who you unquestionably know all the time that he loves you and would move heaven and earth for you. We go on to believe that if he is like this then everything else falls into place. When we start seeing the realities then we are sometimes to afraid to admit it coz our friends and families believe that you have finally found the one etc etc. to move away would mean hurting him, it would mean questions from people around you but more so it would mean the picture you had in your head was wrong.  I've seen people stick it out and then somehow end up hurting each other. I've also seen people stick it out and things have worked perfectly.  My choice was to get off that bus. My choice was to choose my happiness even if it meant being single once again and entering the dreadful dating scene. My choice was to tell him the truth and allow him to find the love that he deserved which I knew deep down inside I would never be able to give him. It wasn't easy, it was difficult. After the whole thing I would miss him, the patterns we had developed but as I lay here and write I know that I've made the right decision.  If one is not happy within a relationship then they will not be able to make their "plus one" happy either. I am a string believer in the fact that happiness does really come from within.  A lot of people have said how brave I was for doing what I did. In all honesty I don't think it was brave at all. It was fear of not being happy and content that made me do what I did. And I'm realistic and realize that one will never always be happy and content all the time in a relationship but when the darkness becomes greater than the light perhaps it's time to get off the bus.  Will I ever meet the right one? I'm not 100% sure but what I do know is that I live in the hope that he is out there also searching.

Pen to paper moments always have a way of making me go on and on. And yes I realize that it is actually fingers to screen that took place this morning but fingers to screen just doesn't have the same sentiment.

Peace, love and highness

Can't wait for 2014 to actually start unfolding

Where does the time go

Had a brief chat with a friend today and she told me about her blog and I was like to myself geez, when was the last time I wrote anything in mine- maybe a year or so ago. I log on and last post was in 2009. Where does the time go! Statement, not question. So here I am again trying to start this up, strange thing is that over the past couple of weeks I have started writing again (not on the blog but more pen to paper type writing) Sandra Kuwaza – this one is just for you. I loved reading your blog, it sounded like I was sitting across the table from you and you were telling the story. Takes a special kind of person to be able to do that through written word. Can’t wait to read more of your stuff. So 4 years later, what has changed? Am I any different? Have my needs changed? Has my perspective on life change? Simple answer would be no but on deeper introspection some things have changed and some have remained the same. This is my evolution so it is to be expected. Who I am, what I want out of life and my drive to get there remains the same although my priorities have somewhat changed. I guess it’s that whole getting wiser thing. You see things, things happen to you, things happen around you and your perspective changes on how you see the world and what your expectations of what reality is also slightly change. Over the past couple of months I have done a lot of soul searching, introspection, gone back to basics, call it whatever you want to call it but frankly speaking, I like to think of it as “doing me”. It’s a darn hard pill to swallow for people around you, but hey, they don’t walk around in my stiletto heels all day so at the end of the day I did what I felt and believed was right for me. Always a tricky one especially when other people who you care about are involved. I’ll leave that story for my next blog though. Think I’ll call it – “Being in love with the idea of being loved. The realisation, denial, acceptance and the journey thereafter.” So you see as much as some things around me have changed remaining true to myself hasn’t. I remain a young (and no, I am not using this term loosely) woman with a love for life who is still on this journey of self discovery. My evolution continues…Aluta Continua

Passion

Okay so I've just turned 28 and have decided that I am naming this new chapter of my life Passion. The past year or so was about focusing on self actualisation and growth and figure it is time I move on to bigger an better things.

What my chapter of Passion has in store for me I have no idea but what I can say is that I am looking forward to it and can't wait to grab it by both horns and fully embrace that which God intended for me.

So many thoughts are going through my mind right now that don't quite know where to start and where to end so for tonight I stop here with one goal to achieve for the next year or so...to Live, love and embrace passion in all I do regardless of how big or small.

The evolution continues

Blessings

So find myself loving life as it currently is. Am blessed to be surrounded by so many special people in my life who each bring joy, growth and love. I don't quite know where to begin but feel as though I am finally fearless. I am no longer afraid of the unknown. I am no longer afraid of truly expressing myself, my feeling, my being and trust me when I say it has been a long and tedious road.

The Lord has blessed me with life. He has blessed me with love. He has blessed me with the gift of happiness and I live to appreciate it each day.

New and great things are happening, great things I tell you.

Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now

So the question of the evening is how do you know when you've met the person you will be spending the rest of your life with. The movies go on about that feeling that all of a sudden overcomes you whilst on the other hand people tell you that only happens in the movies.

Watched something recently and have only come to the realisation that we constantly search for Mr. Right and he is know where to be found we then turn around and compplain about there being no more good men out there when back at the ranch perhaps it was not the right time. So as of now I am no longer looking for my perfect Mr. Right but rather for my Mr. Right Now coz when I am ready and my time comes I know that so will he. You can only really appreciate the good once you know what the bad is all about so perhaps it is time we all stopped questioning and started appreciating as well as learn to be more patient.

There is a reason that Mr. Right has not popped on by and perhaps at a later stage someone you may already have met or know will then become you Mr. Right Now...

This blog is a bit random I know but can't put everything into words at the moment and perhaps in due course this will all make more sense

Finding Happiness

Wow it has been a couple of months and although I have not written as much as I have wanted my evolution still continues.

This year has been a year of great growth for me both emotionally and spiritually. It's like I've rediscovered my passion for life and for living. I started off this year with only one goal...Happiness and by God I am achieving it. The road to happiness and self actualisation is actually easier than people think. It began as a daily effort but has now become as easy as breathing...why nobody shared the secret with me earlier on is a wonder. It is all about waking up early and embracing the new day and enjoying what life has in store for you.

This year has been a year of great blessings. My friends and I finally went on the holiday we have talking about going on for years and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. This is also the year where we are finally going to our first wedding as well as the year we are experiencing our 1st pregnancy. And yes I did say our first pregnancy. This little one who is coming into our lives has no idea how much they are already loved although they are but 7 weeks old. It is really hard for me not to give them a sex right now...we are hoping for a little girl and our little pregnant fairy is hoping for a boy...I figure she should just have twins and that way we have a win-win situation. She doesn't agree but suppose that hoping does not hurt the soul.

This year has also been a year where I have learnt what it is I am looking for in a partner, what I am willing to put up with and what I refuse to be a part of and there have been many a surprise. I am still single in the "search" of finding him but I am still happy even with the moments of loneliness I experience. I suppose you can't get everything you want all at once now can you. It is about going through every individual experience, learning from it and prepping yourself for the next one that actually counts at the end of the day. I know that he is somewhere out there waiting to be found or to find me but I am actually okay with that. Wow it is amazing what a little bit of growth can do to someone.

The evolution continues so
Peace, love and highness until my next post

Change

I feel a change coming into my life but not too sure where it is headed so it is kinda scary yet exciting all at the same time. All I know is that I gotta move with the cheese before the current cheese becomes stale or runs out.

So much has happened in the past year that I can't even begin to write anything down about it. But all I know is that it has had a huge impact in how I am living each day in the present moment.

There are moments in life where you don't quite know what curve ball you will be thrown next and whether you are going to come out of the situation or not. I suppose it is learning to duck, dive or hit the ball that in the end determines what the future is going to hold.

All I know is that it is time for a change. It is time I took stock and then control of my life. It is time that I take full responsibility for my life and not let others determine who and what I become.

I need to make the jump.
I must make the jump.
I will make the jump into the unknown and will live to tell the tale