Something in the air - a reflection of 2013
There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now that I'm not sure of where I should start? What topic should I focus on? I don't want to run the risk of too much all in one go but perhaps I should just lay it all down, lay it all out for surely is that not how the human mind works? Is that not how we live from day to day?
On second thought perhaps it would be good to use this first piece of 2014 to reflect on the year that was 2013. Yes it's cliché but clichés have been around for ages for a reason innit!
So with the sound of Tracy Chapman's Let it rain album here we go...
Like most people I stepped into 2013 full of new hopes, focus on older goals and a sense that this would be another year of change and more growth for me. What I didn't really count on was the type of growth that would come from 2013. Growth which at the end of the day makes me stronger and a force to be reckoned with.
With growth one needs to realize and accept that you don't have or can have control of people and their actions and that it's also okay to admit that you were wrong about a choice or decision you made so long as you take the necessary steps to continue on the "right" path. I think one of the greatest lessons I have learnt in 2013 is that you don't have to pay school fees in order to learn the lesson. Not quite sure were I heard that saying but it rings true to my core.
So what were the greatest lessons learnt
1. Friendship is not always what you think it will be. Although you may have good intentions with a person that you give the title of friend to it does to necessarily mean that they will reciprocate that. I have learnt that there are basics to any friendship that must be respected in order for it to be maintained and if those rules of engagement are broken then to me that relationship must be dissolved and come to an end.
2. It is okay for old friendships and friends to get new wings. It's the nature of the beast. This is something you may not have control over. People change. What you want and are working towards may no longer be the same and at such a time you will drift and its okay. Of course you may long for "that same old feeling" sometimes but that's also okay. This change may sometimes be confusing or hurtful but once you see it for what it actually is, then you come to a calmness within you and your adventure on this journey called life continues.
3. My soul sisters often know the song in my heart and sing back the words to me when I have forgotten them. There is something to be said about the friends whom I still have in my life today. The people who have seen me through my highs and lows and have remained constant witnesses in my life. I often get teary eyed when I think about these women who bring great pride into my life on a daily basis. These people are the ones that see through all the nonsense. I have shared with them my joys, fears and insecurities without fear of judgement and they have done the same. And with nothing ever being actually said or cast in stone we all know that we are within a safe place.
4. Sometimes you need to make a really difficult decision in order to keep on keeping on. Sometimes you need to dig deep within yourself and ask the really difficult questions. And often the answer will not immediately be apparent and more soul searching, introspection and prayer will bring you the answer. Once you have the answer it does not necessarily mean that the hard work is over. It's only the beginning and more work still needs to be done. It's staying true to myself, my dreams, my goals, my wants (sounds kinda selfish doesn't it) in 2013 I ended up hurting someone whom I had really cared about. My resolve to end it between us was based on the false happiness I had formed in my head. Us girls often talk about being with a man who you unquestionably know all the time that he loves you and would move heaven and earth for you. We go on to believe that if he is like this then everything else falls into place. When we start seeing the realities then we are sometimes to afraid to admit it coz our friends and families believe that you have finally found the one etc etc. to move away would mean hurting him, it would mean questions from people around you but more so it would mean the picture you had in your head was wrong. I've seen people stick it out and then somehow end up hurting each other. I've also seen people stick it out and things have worked perfectly. My choice was to get off that bus. My choice was to choose my happiness even if it meant being single once again and entering the dreadful dating scene. My choice was to tell him the truth and allow him to find the love that he deserved which I knew deep down inside I would never be able to give him. It wasn't easy, it was difficult. After the whole thing I would miss him, the patterns we had developed but as I lay here and write I know that I've made the right decision. If one is not happy within a relationship then they will not be able to make their "plus one" happy either. I am a string believer in the fact that happiness does really come from within. A lot of people have said how brave I was for doing what I did. In all honesty I don't think it was brave at all. It was fear of not being happy and content that made me do what I did. And I'm realistic and realize that one will never always be happy and content all the time in a relationship but when the darkness becomes greater than the light perhaps it's time to get off the bus. Will I ever meet the right one? I'm not 100% sure but what I do know is that I live in the hope that he is out there also searching.
Pen to paper moments always have a way of making me go on and on. And yes I realize that it is actually fingers to screen that took place this morning but fingers to screen just doesn't have the same sentiment.
Peace, love and highness
Can't wait for 2014 to actually start unfolding